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Tuesday, May 3, 2011

I Want A Real Commitment But How Long Should I Wait!

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Very often women ask this question. Here is a sample story...
A relationship could look quite settled. A couple spend time together four to five days per week, possibly at his home. And they have been in this relationship for two to three years. The woman feels that she is ready for them to move in together. Her boyfriend agrees, but he fears that after moving in together their relationship could possibly break up. He is mindful that some of their friends have had relationship problems - a couple did split up after moving in together. However he admits he has never felt about anyone like he feels about her now, but he is worried about hurting her feelings if they do break up.
A woman may feel he is not ready for a real commitment and doesn't know what to do. She wants to continue nurturing a serious relationship with him and has strong feelings towards him. He appears not to be too sure about living together as he does value his independence. Also he is busy with his career and has taken on a new project.
I understand a woman in such a situation feels frustration or uncertainty about her future in this relationship. A good point in this case is that her boyfriend explained his reasons.
However, there is a need to examine his answers, to understand his fears of intimacy and where he is coming from. In fact, it's healthier and more honest than someone who blindly throws himself into a relationship, and then later on, puts up emotional barriers. I actually feel that a man who says "I'm not ready" might be behaving with incredible honour and respect for you - he doesn't want to commit until he feels right in every possible way.
Here are some points to consider when analysing commitment issues:
1. Sometimes men are afraid to discuss their fears of making a commitment because the woman in their life seems so sure that everything will be alright, and he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. Still, it is important for you to share your own concerns about mutual issues, and give him reassurance - for example, that you want to work together with him to make sure the spark is kept alive in the relationship. Let him know that you feel hurt when he doesn't want you around permanently. With your reassurance he may find his fears and uncertainty will dissolve.
2. Some men could feel financially insecure and need to put lots of energy into developing their career. This may indicate an honest and responsible approach to building up a committed relationship. A question then arises: is there room for a serious relationship in his life now in view of his current lifestyle choices? In this case it can be useful to ask him when he will be ready for you both to live together.
3. Some men don't like change. If he feels comfortable with the present arrangement, why would he want to make changes? An extra effort is needed when new demands and added responsibilities are put on a relationship. It is unfair not to consider the needs of a person who loves you and her feelings of wanting added security. Some men could make excuses for not making a commitment which could leave the relationship in limbo.
4. Some men could have negative experiences from past relationships, or make judgments based on comments from their friends or family. Well, each case is individual and we cannot go into a healthy relationship if we don't have faith that there will be a positive outcome.
5. A man could still have doubts as to whether a woman is really the right person for him. And this situation could be unfair to her, as she will continue to hope, as she has put her heart and soul into developing the relationship, in addition to expending her time and energy.
To create a lasting relationship requires a mutual effort.
It can be a valuable test moving in together as this provides an opportunity for a couple to analyze how they manage life together. You may have heard the saying - falling in love is easy, to stay in love is challenging.
What does make a lasting relationship? Is it only a desire to be together? I believe something more is needed. In order for it to work each partner needs to exercise a willingness to be patient, trustworthy and flexible. You can add to that the ability to compromise and be financially responsible.
However, by creating a relationship nobody can guarantee one hundred percent that there will be a successful outcome that will last forever. As Mark Twain said only one thing is permanent and that is uncertainly for the future.
Constant changes are always taking place in a life partnership with such things as economics, environment, our jobs, desires, physical body, mind and so on. You cannot just sit back, do nothing and hope for it all to work out for the best. When living together you will get exposure to each other's full range of emotional reactions too. One of you may find that your partner's lifestyle doesn't fit with yours, something that would not be discovered unless the same living space was shared over a period of time.
There is always a percentage risk in making a decision to live together. But on the positive side there is a good chance to make the best possible relationship.
Perhaps, not everyone has such capabilities or a willingness to give up their own independence in order to share their life with someone else. Who knows some men may not be ready to really commit to a relationship ten years from now. On the other hand, it is a very lonely feeling to be deeply in love with somebody and want a future with that person, but that person does not want a future with you. Why do you want someone who doesn't want you forever?
In some cases if someone feels they have met the right person they can then find extra strength and energy to make each other happy in their relationship. This love can grow into something that is strong enough to last a lifetime based on a sense of individuality with sharing the same goals and values. For any two people it is very important to feel safe and secure in a relationship.
Also romantic relationships have phases of progression and evolvement. This is a process where two people reach the point where they can decide if they have a future together or not. If two people don't share the same vision and are not prepared to understand each other's needs then it takes time to rethink compatibility issues for a harmonious relationship.

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