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Saturday, October 29, 2011

Love Has Everything to Do With It

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Love is one of the most mysterious of human emotions. As much as we know about the science behind what makes someone fall in love, it is in the little details that seem to make all of the difference that we still have a hard time grasping at. You can take a look at several couples and pick out the ones that you assume will stay together, and come back at a later date and find out that you were completely wrong. You may say, love is a funny thing, but it is something that we all need and crave.
Attraction can come and go, but when it comes to maintaining long term relationships, there has to be love there, or else it will not stand the test of time. So, in the context of maintaining relationships, what does love have to do with it?
Anyone that has had to endure a painful relationship or has had to deal with the ending of one knows that it can hurt. However, the opposite is also true. When everything is going good, it can make you feel like you are on top of the world.
Love does not just happen though.
If it were that easy, no one would ever have to deal with the pain of being lonely or the feeling of despair when their love life is a mess. YOU have to make it happen. You have to be the catalyst to set things in motion. If you just sit back and hope that it somehow comes to pass, you can end up waiting a VERY long time.
How can you be a catalyst for love?
By being just as open to giving it out as you are in receiving it. The problem that a lot of people have when it comes to romantic love is that they are very selfish. They are looking for someone to love them, and for someone to make them feel a certain way. The more selfless that you can be.... the more likely it is that you will actually find what you seek and attract love into your life.
If you are seeking to find someone to feel that way about you, then you must be just as open to feeling that way about them. And anything that you would want them to do for you, you have to be willing and able to do it for them.
Love has everything to do with it, but YOU have to be the catalyst that puts the wheels in motion.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Create Deeper Emotional Intimacy

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Often times, when couples complain about a breakdown in communication or some other marital/relationship problem, part of their distress centres on feeling emotionally disconnected from each other. This lack of emotional intimacy is often a warning sign that something needs to be addressed in your relationship.
Feeling emotionally safe and close to your spouse/partner is one of the hallmarks of a healthy marriage/relationship. Think of emotional intimacy (a sense of togetherness, of having a strong emotional bond) as the glue that holds your relationship together, through the good times and the stressful times. Couples are more likely to weather the challenges of life (as well as the challenges that come with being in a relationship) when they feel emotionally engaged and connected to one another.
But emotional intimacy doesn't just happen-it requires certain conditions in order to germinate and grow. Understanding these conditions and understanding what makes you feel connected to your partner, will go a long way toward creating the right conditions and toward keeping your relationship healthy.
8 Conditions for Emotional Intimacy
Here is a brief listing of what you might need and expect from your spouse/partner in order to feel emotionally close:
1.Attentiveness (the willingness to be attentive to one another);
2.Consistency (knowing that your partner will be there for you day after day);
3.Empathy (a willingness to try to understand who you are and your perspective);
4.Kindness (nothing invites us to share ourselves more than a compassionate, loving partner);
5.Patience (knowing that you partner is flexible and doesn't expect perfection from you);
6.Respect (the assurance that you will never intentionally belittle or shame one another);
7.Responsiveness (feeling that your partner will respond and act appropriately to your needs);
8.Truthfulness/Honesty (if you feel your partner is being deceptive in some way, emotional safety and intimacy will never be realized).
As you read this list, do these feel familiar to you? Are they part of your marriage/relationship?
But your spouse/partner isn't the only person responsible for working on deepening emotional intimacy. In fact, s/he can do all of the above (and even more), and emotional closeness can still be lacking in your marriage/relationship.
How can this be?
The Conscious Decision to Be Open to Intimacy
"All relationships involve the risk of connection. At some point, couples open themselves up to the gifts of emotional intimacy-without this openness, an internal door will remain closed and a nagging disconnection will persist. While the conditions listed above might make you more likely to open yourself up to intimacy, ultimately, you have to make the conscious decision to do so. The relationship you have with yourself (how you think and feel about yourself, your willingness to trust) has a dramatic impact on the level of emotional intimacy you can form with your spouse/partner.
Here are a couple of issues to be mindful of:
~Self-acceptance (are you compassionate to yourself and able to suspend self-judgment and criticalness?);
~Feeling worthy of intimacy and love (without a sense of feeling worthy of receiving love, a part of you will always remain shut off to the gifts of intimacy);
~Self-understanding and clarity of your needs (if you don't connect with and communicate your emotional needs, how will your partner know what you need or how to meet your needs?).
So if you feel that emotional intimacy and closeness is missing in your marriage/relationship, go through the above lists to see what might be needed to create the optimal conditions for intimacy. And remember, intimacy is not only about your partner: the ability to be open and self-accepting is the crucial second-half of the intimacy equation.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Ways to Stop Other Women Trying to Steal Your Man

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he nightmare that every woman hopes to avoid is that of other women trying to steal her man. This can be a genuine concern or it can be a paranoia that actually drives your man into the hands of another woman. So assuming that yours is a genuine concern and you simply want to avoid the nightmare of other women stealing him...what can you do to circumvent such a possibility?

Be every woman to him. You want him happy at home so that he has no reason to stray. This does not mean that you should pretend to be what you are not but it does mean that you work with him to make your marriage and your sex life all that it can be. If this is the relationship you want to be in for the long haul then you must put in your best efforts to make it as great as it can be. Be interested in him and his life and allow him into yours. Explore each other and give each other room to grow and you will curtail his interest in any other woman who may want to steal him from you.
Be happy with who you are and what life has given you. To drive away other women trying to steal your man you have to be magnetic to him so that other women have no hope of getting his attention and their hooks into him. A happy, confident you will be a ray of attraction to him and he will be less drawn to other women and will have more inhibitions destroying what he has with you as it is so great.
Don't scream and nag. You may feel better after a screaming and nagging session but your man probably shut down the minute you started or he matched you nastiness for nastiness. Nothing good comes from such an encounter except to drive a wedge between the two of you. If you want to drive away other women trying to steal your man then you need to stop driving pointless wedges between you and your man. When he is emotionally disconnected from you; he is more susceptible to tempting offers from other women. This does not mean that you don't fight but it does mean that you fight in constructive ways so that there is resolution and not a shouting match that no one wins. Fight in such a way that you both win something through consensus and are emotionally closer and not further apart after the fight.
Do not stalk him or try to curtail his freedom. Resist the irrational temptation to keep him on a leash by herding him or by stalking him. It may seem like a good idea when the jealousy bug bites but it simply doesn't work in the long run. You demean him by doing this as it shows him clearly that you do not trust him and you exhaust yourself physically and emotionally. When he knows that you do not trust him then he will tend to untrustworthy behaviour since that's what you expect from him. People often give you what you accuse them off... so resist this dark one way street to unhappiness.
For most women there will always be another woman trying to steal your man. You love your man because he has some great attributes and other women are not blind and will see these qualities also and want him for them-selves! Be cannot stop other women from being attracted to your man but you can stop your man from being tempted by these often flattering advances.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Importance of Respect In a Relationship

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 Respect is an important key to a healthy relationship. Are you thinking to yourself that you have always had respect for your partners but the relationships still failed? You might not be wrong. Respect is a three lane street to a healthy relationship: you must respect yourself, you must respect your partner, and you must respect the relationship.
Respect Yourself
If you want a healthy long-term relationship, first respect yourself. I think that respect and love go hand in hand, otherwise I think the emotion you are feeling is lust just a different emotion. The adage goes something to the effect that you must love yourself before you can love someone else. This also applies to respect: "you must first respect yourself before you can respect and love yourself and anyone else."
When attraction brings all the bells, whistles, and fireworks along with the red flags, dislikes, and full on alarms, respect for yourself will help you to assess your relationship. Respect Your Partner
If you want a healthy long-term relationship then you have to respect your partner in two ways. For starters, respect them as they are, as they come to you; do not try to change them. If you meet someone and the sparks are flying like mad, but you find yourself thinking things like: "Oh I will change that about them," or "Oh that_____ has to stop/change/end," then read - "Respect Yourself" again. If you cannot love this person as they are then, you do not fully respect who they are. If this is the case respect them enough to set them free, because - like you - they deserve to be loved and respected and someone will love them and respect them.
The other level of respect for your partner is how you talk about them publicly. We all use a little banter in communicating to and about our partners. But that banter should never humiliate, embarrass, or belittle your partner all of these things are actually disrespecting your partner. Again if they bother you so much that your banter has turned to "trash talk," something has gone wrong. Either change your perspective of this person or set them free.
Respect Your Relationship
If you want a healthy long-term relationship then you have to respect your relationship with this person. Most couples come to the relationship table with emotional baggage, from past relationships, and their individual set of values which should include self-respect. Therefore two obvious ways to respect your relationship is leave the emotional baggage in the past, and the second is not to demean the value of the relationship by violating the "rules of engagement."
Let's begin with emotional baggage. For many people the line "once bitten, twice shy," is very true. It is very hard to trust again after we have been hurt, especially if that hurt includes both emotional and physical abuse. But it is very important not to project past relationships on the new relationship. After all, a new relationship deserves a clean slate. So leave your emotional baggage in the past.
Next, both of you have come into the relationship with self-respect values that cannot be compromised without violating the other person's self-respect values. For example, if you have agreed to a monogamous relationship, then be respectful of your relationship and honour that agreement.
In the end healthy relationships depend on three layers of respect. Self respect! Through respect for your partner you are enabling yourself to love them for who they are and who they will become on their own terms. By respecting your relationship you not only illustrate your love for your partner and yourself, but value the all of potential your love for each other has to offer.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Ways to Tell Him You Love Him

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They are only three words. Three little words at that. Yet, they can pack in so much power, so much meaning, that it can be hard to say them. You probably want to know that when you tell a man that you love him that he is going to say the same thing back to you. Not only that, but you don't want to take things too fast with him. How do you tell a guy that you love him?
One of the big keys about telling someone that you love them, if you want to get them to say those three words back to you and mean it, is timing. Until he really feels that way, you might want to be prepared for the fact that you can say that you love a man and not have him return the same sentiment. And that is true even when he really does have some strong feelings for you.
Here are some more tips to help you if you want to tell him that you love him:
1) Show it symbolically at first.
Symbolic expression can give you the best of both worlds when it comes to this subject. On the one hand, symbolism can be incredibly powerful and effective. On the other hand, due to its silent nature, it can be a safe way to put it out there without coming right out and saying it. So, how do you show him that you feel that way through symbolism? A thoughtful gesture, one that not just any woman will give can be a good way to do this.
2) Wait for when the moment is right for him.
As much as you may feel like you want to just get it out of your system and tell him the way that you feel, waiting for a moment that is right for him may be the best bet. When he is comfortable, when he feels like he can say anything that is the kind of situation where you can drop those three words and expect to hear it back. An example of waiting for the right moment for him would be to wait till the two of you are doing something that he is passionate about and using that as the time to tell him the way that you feel.
3) Do it NOW if you need to know.
One of the main reasons why a woman might want to tell a guy that she loves him is because she really wants to know where she stands in his eyes. If this is part of the motive behind your desire to express your emotions, then you may just want to do it now. You can wait around to tell him that you feel that way, but sometimes it is much better to forget about waiting and just do it in the present moment.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Does Our Past Affect Our Relationship?

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here are many dynamics to a relationship and I think most of us can agree that we rarely see everything going on under the surface, yet we feel the discomfort. As a Guy Spy into the Male Mind I would like to reveal three elements that can cause relational distress and immobility.
When a man has come from a background whether it be a childhood experience or a recent relationship where neglect prevailed, there are unmet needs that can surface continually in the life of that person. It may manifest in various ways that can catch even the wisest woman off guard. There may be an unusual amount of touch needed to make up for the deficit that had been plaguing him for possibly years. He may have a desire to be heard above and beyond what you have experienced before; trying to make up for no one being interested in what he had to say before. The need for a man to be loved can be a very intense drive and I am not referring to the sexual drive, but rather the emotional longing. There is a void created in the soul that can only be filled with tenderness, encouragement and unconditional love. These three elements will help the wounds of neglect to heal. And when the man has found a woman that will believe in him no matter how flawed he is, her own power has now created a superhero who will thrive at making her proud.
The experience of being rejected seems to be more prevalent in the lives of males than females although both encounter this painful event in their lives. For the male however, the level of intensity in the rejection is directly related to the person whom they are being rejected by. If they don't make the little league team, there is a sense of not belonging that irritates and burns. If the grown man has been in a loving relationship and it takes a chilly turn to the point of him being rejected by his lover in bed that is an affliction they are rarely prepared for. If women truly understood the power they wield in the arena of affection, they would hopefully adopt the Spider-Man theme: "With great power comes great responsibility".
When we see that word we tend to relate it to a sickness or disease of the body that can be remedied with doses of antibiotics. But the septicity of the soul I am referring to is due to the pollution of un-kept promises, corrupt communication where words are used to wound instead of heal, and the misery of being manipulated. All of these experiences in and of themselves can ambush even the strongest Achilles in your life, once a hero until his vulnerable spot was targeted. In his case the heel, in many cases the heart of a man. Infection of the soul will manifest itself through a man's outlook on life, projection of his future with or without you and through conversation. If he has been neglected and rejected there are exposed areas of his heart that are infected.
As a woman who may be in love with a man that has undergone a dismal past, you may be wondering is there a remedy? Actually, there are three vitamins to administer:
1. Trust
Trust is not something you can push to make happen. It is a force in and of itself that is usually created through healthy conversations, purity of heart and unwavering faith in the man for who he is, not who you hope he will turn out to be. The trust factor will cause him to take off his armour with you one piece at a time until he is certain that his heart is safe in your hands.
2. Time
We've all heard that time heals, but when we engage in a relationship and feel that this person could be the one we sometimes want to rush things. Rushing never works! It may look like it's working at first, but know this; the issues that lie underneath will surface sooner or later. Let time run its course. Allow the relationship to strengthen at an appropriate pace. If you find yourself rushing and he is slowing things down, pay attention to that. He may be in a different season than you. Not that it's bad, but it's worth recognizing.
3. Trade
There comes a time in a child's life when one must give away toys that meant a lot to them. As they hold their precious beat up, ripped apart, one eyed bear, the pain they feel in having to release this toy is immense. What they do not realize is that the moment they let go of the old, they now have freed their arms to embrace the new. There comes a time in a man's life when he needs to trade the future he thought he was going to have with the future he will have. The "Mid-Life Crisis" term stems from this reality for guys. They hit an age where they realize they aren't in the job position they thought they would be. They aren't driving the car they thought they would own. Their living space is not what they imagined to be their home. Seeing a man go through this season can be extremely painful for the woman who loves him, but this can also be a time for him to let go of the false hopes in order to embrace the wonderful opportunities that do await him.
Relationships are never easy, but they can be extremely rewarding. Women possess amazing attributes that enable them to be the catalyst in the lives of so many, forever impacting others for better. Ladies, I want you to know that this does not go unnoticed.