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Friday, August 3, 2012

Better Sex Communication

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What is sexual communication? It’s the ability to reach a level of intimacy that is both fun, exciting, sensual, and helps achieve a better orgasm. Taking the time to understand sexual communication will create the opportunity for a better bond between you and your partner. Even more, some of the traits of the following communication techniques are basic steps to developing a higher level of relatedness with any person. Put them in a different context, and you will have tools to open, create, evolve, and maintain a higher level and more interesting conversation. Otherwise, consider the following for better sex through sexual communication. Give It A Try. It REALLY works!

1. Use Ice Breakers: Talk about the difficulty of talking, share an article, book movie or other media to open specific subjects. It's highly likely that you both feel nervous about opening up this topic. For example: "Did you see that couple on the news this morning? I was wondering if we could try something like that sometime" (and be OK if your partner doesn't feel comfortable with the request).

2. Use "Active Listening": Show attention, non-verbally ask for clarification (open-ended and closed ended questions) and paraphrase what you hear until you understand the meaning of your partner's communication. (Paraphrasing means repeating back in your own words what you heard someone say). For example" "So what I'm hearing you say is that it hurts your feelings when I don't kiss you when you come back each night?" Be careful not to turn it into a blaming type of communication. For example "Oh, Great. So what you're saying is that you get pissed just because I don't give you some silly type of attention the moment you come home. You know I've had a hard day too! Fine, kiss me then!"

3. Give Feedback on what your partner just said (find the positive parts!) For example: "I had no idea that I was hurting your feelings and now I can understand how you have been feeling."

4. Empathize with your partner's position, even if you disagree (sense and support the validity of his or her view point or feelings).

5. Use Appropriate Self Disclosure: Start with small, less vulnerable or anxiety provoking information and be prepared to back off if your partner seems threatened or defensive. The more open you can be, the more open your partner is likely to be. Think about how well your partner is able to handle your disclosure and what YOUR intention is (e.g., to bring the two of you closer, help you understand each other’s needs, or relieve yourself of guilt, or gain power).

6. Compare Notes before and after sex according to your own styles and preferences (e.g. some are more inclined to hint or show rather than tell directly). For example, if you are the non verbal type, then after sex, communicate non-verbally, i.e., smile, caress his body, cuddle up to him, play with his hair and show him your admiration. Or you can always just tell him what a great time you had and what made it so much fun.

7. Make Requests: Take responsibility for your own pleasure and make requests, e.g. I would love it if you kissed me there one more time!

8. Use Gentle & Constructive Criticism:
· Do NOT use criticism to blame, hurt, get even or get one-up.
· Select an appropriate time and place that feels comfortable for both you and the one you are with.

· Temper with praise - provide compliments and appreciation.
· Nurture small steps - don't rush for the finish line. It’s a process, so appreciate each step along the way.

· One complaint per discussion - or not at all. Complaints can come off as hurtful or negative and will only set you back to have to work towards gaining trust and respect.

Your presentation is EVERYTHING! How you approach the one you are with will make or break any situation. If you are aggressive and they aren't receptive, you can pretty much end the situation. Know who you are with, which means listening more and talking less will result in a better understanding of what your partner wants, how they feel, and build trust. Not understanding what transpired during the day, or what is being thought of at the moment will often result in an unfavourable result!

When approaching sex, it’s often an understanding of the mood and desire of your partner. If you both are showing signs of desire and intimacy, take the time to develop that and stay focused! Talk about what you want, how you want it, and when you find it, shut up and enjoy it, until you reach your desired orgasm. Now that's hot! This isn't to say that certain positions feel better than others... but it is to say that if it isn't going the way you want, you speak up and do so with compassion, understanding, and a desire to get what you want through that perspective: Mutual Satisfaction. Otherwise, if it’s "all about you", the sex will never be as great as you'd like and certainly not as satisfying.

9. At An Impasse? Take a break from the topic for awhile and agree to address it at another time, or agree to disagree and accept your partner's view while validating the legitimacy of your own. BE GENEROUS at times, even if it is something that you are not in the mood to do or prefer.

10. Get unbiased support: If it appears to be a chronic issue, go to counselling together, but do not just ignore the problem, they never just fade away, and the relationship deserves the attention.
It's OK to express your feelings and what you desire, so long as it isn't in the context of a 'put down'. Be open and honest and if you are in a long term relationship that you enjoy, be equally open to your partner's needs. Doing so will allow for practice, practice, practice. And we all know what that means: Practice makes perfect!

Love, Passion, Romance, and Intimacy are the very foundations for a happy and healthy relationship. 

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