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Friday, September 7, 2012

So He Doesn't Shut Down

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Are you in a relationship with a man right now and want to know "Does he love me?" I think we can agree that most men would rather have a root canal than have to talk about their feelings.
There comes a point in every relationship where both parties have to figure out where this relationship is going. Whether or not he loves you play a big part in whether your relationship with this man will go forward or you will decide to move on.

What is your goal in this relationship?
Assuming you know that you really like this man, and your goal is marriage, it is in your best interests to know where you stand with this man. You don't want to waste your time staying with someone who has no intention of committing to you and eventually marrying you. Unless you find out how he feels, he will probably be happy to just drift along and maintain the status quo. From your man's point of view, he is still there, so it's all good. Right?

Before your growl and stomp your foot in frustration, you have to understand that men really don't get why you need to know where you stand in a relationship. This is a very important step in your relationship with this man and if you handle it the wrong way, it could well mean the end of the relationship.

If you walk up to your man right now and ask him if he loves you, what do you think his reaction will be? Do you really believe that he is going to get down on one knee, declare his undying love for you and you will live happily ever after? Your wish! But, unfortunately, this reaction can only be seen in movies between two actors.

In real life, your man will most likely feel trapped, defensive and / or angry. Good luck getting him to admit to anything other than his desire to flee from this very uncomfortable situation. From this point on, once you make this mistake, he will shut down completely and will begin to disappear from your life. All because you asked one simple question: "Do you love me"?

When your man doesn't declare his undying love for you, how are you going to feel? And how are you going to act? You will feel hurt, betrayed and probably angry. At this point, if you can't get past this, your feelings will cause you to start treating him differently and from his point of view, you will no longer be the woman he fell in love with. You will no longer be a fun, fantastically attractive woman anymore. You will just be someone nagging him and who he feels uncomfortable being around.

Let's face it. No one, man or woman wants to spend time with someone who is sad, depressed or angry. The unfortunate thing is, your man may really love you and his reaction doesn't have anything to do with whether or not he loves you. But because he was approached in the wrong way, and there is this question hanging out there, you are hurt and he just wants to run away.

Many women don't understand why men act like this over a simple question. It should be a simple yes or no answer. You have to understand that you may be the most amazing and beautiful woman that he has ever known, but how you approach him and how you communicate your question to him will determine the future of your relationship with this man.

Men have feelings but they don't always know how to deal with them or categorize them. Men are very results oriented and feelings are not something that fit into this picture. Most men agree that actions speak louder than any words and asking him "Do you love me?" makes him feel like he has done something wrong. He will feel like you are criticizing him because you don't already know that he loves you. Strange, I know. But that is what he will feel.

So, how should you approach him for this important conversation so that you get an answer without him shutting down?
Before you approach your man, you need to pick a "safe space" that you can sit and share your feelings with your man. Keep your comments to the point and without any drama. You need to tell him how you feel using neutral words and without placing blame. These are your feelings, not his so be careful to start with something like "I feel... ". Your feelings are your responsibility and his are his responsibility.

Chances are, he will be totally shocked at how you feel. He can't read your mind! Then, give him the chance to speak - without interrupting him.

Don't ever try to have this conversation when you are angry or depressed. Always remember that emotions are contagious. He will mirror back to you the emotions that you approach him with. Staying neutral will allow him to actually hear what you are saying and respond appropriately.

You will only get one chance to get this right. Screw it up and you will be chasing him because he will run away from you as fast as he can.
Feel free to comment, give me your opinions and discuss the mentioned issue as extensively as you wish

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