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Saturday, January 28, 2012

Tips to Make a Long Distance Marriage Work

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arriages are built on the foundation of respect, trust and most importantly, communication. But the problem happens when you and your husband are in a long distance relationship setup, because communication will be greatly affected. Due to lack of communication, the issue of distrust would kick in, as a result of suspicion and doubts. So here are tips to help you endure these issues relating to communication within a long distance marriage.
Be Open to Your Feelings
If you have doubts or suspicions about your partner being unfaithful to you, then be vocal with your feelings by admitting to him what you really feel. Tell him about your fears and inhibitions and explain to him why you feel that way. By knowing what you feel about him, your partner would then exert an effort to remove all your doubts and inhibitions.
Make It a Daily Habit to Talk
As I mentioned in the beginning of this article, communication is one of the most important foundation of a marriage life. Without it, you can never expect your relationship to work, whether you are in a long distance setup or not. So as much as possible, make it a habit to spend time with your spouse talking over the phone daily, or chat with him online or do some video conferencing.
Encourage Your Kids to Communicate with Your Spouse
In order for your long distance marriage to work, you must encourage your kids and other family members to communicate with your spouse as well. Although as a wife, it is important that you constantly speak to your faraway husband, you must also include your kids with your conversation and if possible, ask them to join you in your conversation. Your kids could also serve as a constant reminder to your spouse that he should remain faithful to you and your marriage life.
Have Some Sense of Humour When Talking to Your Spouse
Being far from each other is not an easy feat, so look for ways to make your conversation with your spouse as fun as possible. Erase all the loneliness that your husband feels by making him laugh in between your conversation because your sense of humour will definitely make him feel better. And if possible, share to him only the good news, and not more on the bad news.
These are just some of the best ways on how to make your long distance marriage successful, and ensure that your relationship with your spouse will remain secure. Remember that proper communication is the only key for your long distance relationship to work, although you must also have the patience and determination to make your relationship survive despite of all the hardships that you are faced with. In the end, it is not only you and your spouse who will benefit from a successful marriage, but all your kids as well.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Learn the Real Reasons Why They Fear It So Much

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hings are just great between us, why do we need to take it to another level?"
"I love you anyway, isn't that enough?"
"We're so comfortable this way; I just don't want to ruin it."
These are just some of the so-called excuses men use to avoid the topic of commitment. But why are they so scared of it? Why do they always try to avoid the so called serious talk? The main and the most key reason why men tend to avoid talking about this subject is because, they fear change. They are too comfortable with the way things are presently and don't want to ruin it. And men are at a great advantage when they don't have to commit. They can have a sense of freedom and at the same time enjoy the security of being with a partner. In other words, they have the comfort of having a partner without the need to have some responsibilities which go along with it. It's a very comfortable position to be in and most men don't want to step out of this comfort zone.
The second major reason why so many men fear commitment is because they know that with commitment they would have additional responsibility to maintain a family which is usually not easy to do. They also fear that they would have to be the main provider for the family and might not enjoy the freedom they would otherwise enjoy if they were single or just in a relationship. In all honesty, you won't be able to make him commit unless he feels an internal urge to do so himself. In the mean time, trying to force the topic of commitment on him will only make matters worse for both of you. The best thing you can do under this circumstance is to first decide exactly what you want and what you are willing to lose in order to get it.
In other words, if you want someone to commit to you and aren't okay with being casual then you would have to find someone who is ready for commitment. If you plan to stick around your present guy with the hopes that he might commit to you some day then you are taking a big risk which might or might not turn out in your favour. And at the same time you will always have this sense of worry and fear in your relationship as you will never be sure if he will eventually decide to commit to you or not.
Therefore, the smart thing to do would be to let your man know that you do not expect anything less than complete commitment and if he isn't prepared to offer you that then you will have to find someone who is ready to do it. You only get to live once, the life you currently have isn't a dress rehearsal for another life. The time which has passed will not come back therefore there is no point in wasting your life worrying about someone who is not ready yet to make up their mind about you.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Healthy Communication

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ere's the thing about communication; it's inevitable. Whether you are the life of the party or the biggest introvert on this planet; at any given stage of your daily life, you are communicating. Even if you are not saying a word to anybody, you are still communicating... Let me explain:

The Webster's Dictionary defines "communication" as the transmitting of information or ideas, between individuals, through a common system of symbols, signs, or behaviour. In other words: the giving/sending of information or ideas. If there is a giver, there has to be a receiver, so the giving and receiving of information, concepts or ideas between at least two individuals at a time, be it verbally or non-verbally.

If we analyse this definition of communication we find that; you are also communicating through your actions and your behaviour; not only through verbal or written words, as many still believe. So when communicating with someone - be aware of the message that your body language, your tone of voice and your facial expressions are conveying.

Non-verbal communication is a huge field of study on its own, but in short; this is why writing letters or e-mails or sending SMSs are NOT A GOOD IDEA when dealing with sensitive issues - much rather go and talk to the person in question, face to face, so that the message you truly want to convey, is coming through loud and clear because of the fact that your (very often)unconscious non-verbal communication, carries just as much weight - if not more - than your verbal communication does.

So many misunderstandings results from written communication. A message that was intended as a non-threatening question could in fact, quite easily come through as a very serious accusation for e.g.

The fact that there is a giver and a receiver, to me, definitely suggests that both parties have an active role to play when communicating with one another. The giver has to make sure that he gives the information in such a way that the receiver can "receive" the information correctly. The receiver on the other hand, has to make sure that he receives exactly what has been given. You might be saying..."duh" But it's not as easy as it sounds.

The fact that communication occurs between individuals is where this gets interesting. You and I communicate differently. We speak differently, we act and react differently. The definition states that communication occurs through a common set of beliefs or symbols, but this is a bit problematic. He used the very interesting example of the phrase: "let's talk about it". If you grew up in a family where this meant: you throw around a couple of ideas until one or both of you get bored and then put the discussion on hold till further notice, it is more than understandable that your partner - for who this exact same phrase meant: we sit around a table and discuss this situation in earnest with a clear goal or decision as an end result-will get furious at you for treating the situation "so lightly". You, on the other hand, have absolutely no idea what just happened, because you did exactly what you said you were going to do - "you talked about it".

With regards to conflict resolution, for some, getting straight to the point in a matter-of-fact kind of way, is easier than for others. You might prefer a softer, less confrontational way of dealing with the issue. Someone else might just ignore the problem all together in order to avoid the uncomfortable situation that is "sure to arise" as soon as the subject is broached. What is an "uncomfortable situation" for one (causes discomfort - physically or emotionally) is an opportunity to grow, to understand and to change a situation for another.

It is no wonder that most couples struggle with effective communication!

Take on an active role when communicating with your partner - when he/she is talking, your job is to LISTEN. Try and make sure that you are hearing exactly WHAT it is that your partner is trying to say; don't just listen to the words and attribute your own meaning to it and don't just take the words at face value. Try saying: "what I am hearing is - x y z, am I understanding you correctly, is this what you are saying?" As soon as you "heard correctly" you can respond to what was said. And then you swop roles.

In conclusion - communication is something we do not pay enough attention to at all. We think communicating is easy, we can't understand why our partners just aren't getting what we're trying to say, plenty of marriages are broken up and destroyed each year and in my opinion, ineffective communication plays a huge role here.

If you want to learn how to communicate effectively make an appointment with a counsellor TODAY - it will make a huge difference in your everyday life - and might even save your relationship.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Leave Your Baggage Behind

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aggage - we've all heard the term used in conversation at one time or another. No, we're not talking about the type of baggage you carry for a holiday to Zanzibar. Unfortunately, this baggage doesn't come with a great a margarita, but instead, memories of past relationships and emotional scars from love lost. The good news is- everyone has it. At one time or another, we've all been dumped or put through an emotional whirlwind when it comes to our love lives. The trick is to learn how to use baggage in a healthy way by acknowledging the past, learning from it and moving on. When we are open and receptive to a healthy, meaningful, lasting love in the present, baggage from the past can no longer weigh us down.
Keep it Positive
Less than stellar relationships of the past can sometimes make it difficult to maintain positive, healthy belief systems. But to attract the relationships you want, you need to present the best version of you. Think about this- when someone is negative, what kind of energy are they sending? Is it fun and flirty? Do they attract you and motivate you to want to spend time with them? Not at all.
It's true, bad relationships make it easy to fall into the negativity trap. "I'm no good at relationships", "all men only want one thing" or "women only want you for your money". These are the types of negative belief systems that will hold you back from finding that someone special- every time. Remember, we attract what we focus on. Make certain to empower yourself with a healthy view of dating and the opposite sex and start to attract this into your life.
Leave the Past Where it belongs- in the Past
Okay, that past relationship really did a number on you and you're finding it a challenge not to analyze and re-analyze every inch of what you did or didn't do. Don't let the relationships of the past hold you back from the relationship of the future. The past does not equal the future and it never will.
If you're spending too much time focusing on what didn't work in your past relationship, you are more likely to get similar results in your future relationship. It goes back to the saying "what you focus on is what you get". There's a reason why professional athletes, musicians and even business executives are told to focus on the goal (and not the mistake!), because it increases their chances of achieving it.
The Positives of Baggage
Believe it or not, baggage serves a useful purpose. It gives us the experience, skills, knowledge and tools we need to find the last relationship we'll ever have. Like an actor on an audition, we need to learn from the past, refine our technique, understand ourselves completely and present this new and improved person to the world. With every past relationship, you're closer to the one that makes your heart sing. Use your baggage as a reference point to know and understand what you do and don't want from a relationship and then file it away.
No one can be expected to master the art of love without a few trip-ups along the way. From broken hearts and shattered dreams we build new visions of ourselves. Keep a positive mindset through the process and attract the positive meaningful, relationship you're ready for. Remember to keep the past in the past and don't dwell on what you could have or should have done in previous situations. There's a reason why baggage exists. Use it for learning and growing and then close the door from the past making room for new doors of opportunity to swing in your direction.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

You Can Choose to Keep Your Love Alive

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oing and saying simple things to give your partner the message that you notice, appreciate and respect them helps fill their buckets and makes your relationship feel like a great place to be. Taking each other for granted can leave either of you vulnerable to positive attention from others. When you are not giving and receiving positive attention at home you can become so starved for compliments that when someone does pay attention to you, you are more drawn to them than you might otherwise be. When home is not a warm and welcoming place, sometimes work or other places can seem more appealing.
It is also surprising how much noticing, appreciating and respecting your partner will fill your bucket as well and help you feel more loving toward them. The adage, love is a verb, is worth remembering. The choice to act lovingly helps feelings of love to grow. When you choose to continue behaving in a loving way toward you partner, even on those days when you don't feel particularly loving, then they will feel more loved and accepted and you will feel more loving toward them.
The ability to make this choice begins with awareness. When was the last time that you gave your partner a genuine compliment? When was the last time that you told them how much you appreciate them? Those little daily acts of noticing, appreciating and respecting are what keep the love alive. Do your words and actions help your partner feel smart or stupid, caring or selfish, excited or defeated, cared about or neglected; are you helping your partner feel good about himself or bad about herself. It is not that you are responsible for how your partner feels; it is that helping them feel good about themselves when they are with you will greatly increase their loving feelings toward you. We fall in love with or stay in love with someone because of how we feel about ourself when we are with them. It is only natural to want to spend time with those people who help us feel good about ourselves.
If your partner does or says something that hurts you do not retaliate. Retaliation brings out hateful feelings in even the best of people. If your inclination is to lash back if you feel hurt, learn to take a deep breath and hang onto yourself. Take some time to cool down and then choose your actions, rather than reacting to what your partner has said or done. Feeling justified in treating your partner badly, because you feel hurt or upset, will be cold comfort as your relationship spirals downward. Sometimes it is more important to choose to be happy than it is to maintain that you are right. Put your ego aside and focus on creating what you want. Choosing to love your partner when you least feel like it, can begin the change to an upward spiral toward a more satisfying relationship.

Monday, January 23, 2012

This Will Make Him Fall For You

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etting a guy know that you're in love with him and that you want a commitment can be extremely hard. It puts most women in dilemma. 90% of men who are in relationships right now are commitment phobic and wouldn't be ready to commit to the woman they're with even if they're given the world. This causes a lot of complications to arise in relationships.
If you want to get your boyfriend to fall in love with you, make him commit and start a family as soon as you can, pay close attention here. You're about to discover some mind blowing secrets which will mesmerize a man and create massive amounts of attraction in him. The attraction you create in him will make him eventually commit to you for sure.
Here are mind blowing ways to let a guy know that you love him and make him commit...
Indirectly point out that he's the man...
Indirectly pointing out that he's the man will work wonders for your relationship. It will make him feel more interested in you and also help you establish a connection with him. Men leave relationships if they feel that they aren't getting the admiration they deserve from a woman. It's your job as a woman to admire your man.
So stop nagging. Instead admire him. Give him real genuine compliments for being a man that you like and adore. Don't go overboard and throw compliments every now and then. Showing admiration to him in this way will make him feel more fascinated by you. You aren't actually revealing that you're in love with him or want a commitment. But subtly, you show something that he'll pick up.
You May Choose Not to talk about commitment...
There are women who didn't talk about commitment (even though they wanted a commitment from the guy) and still got the man to commit effortlessly.
You need to be subtle in expressing your desire for a commitment. But at the same time, you should never reveal your feelings at first. It's a man's job to reveal the feelings and ask for a commitment. I know you feel desperate and want to find out whether this is going to last or not. But those very feelings will trigger behaviours that cause your man to lose attraction he has for you.
Subtly point it out to him by inviting him to your friend's wedding or family gatherings. But still don't talk about commitment. Just act like you're in for the short term. When you do that, it creates attraction that'll force him to commit to you.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Ways To Save A Bad Relationship

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 love you. You're the best. I love listening to you. I love everything about you. Oh my god, you're so amazing. Oh my god, it's so cute the way that you eat your meal. I love the way you roll over in the middle of the night and mumble in your sleep-it's so cute."
Now fast forward a year later.
"Stop talking in your sleep. God, your habits are irritating to me! Will you stop talking so much? I'm busy. Shut up. I hate the way that you chew your food. Why do you call me in the middle of the day for no reason at all?"
Isn't it amazing what a year does in a relationship? You go from loving somebody's balls to busting their balls constantly. It's unbelievable how a relationship evolves. And then they always say to you, "We need to talk."
Really? Who wants to talk to somebody that's constantly disagreeing with them or busting their balls? Nobody. Because when you actually sit down and have a conversation, you're not going to listen anyway, you're just going to wait to jump in and blast the other person's balls for a point that you want to make.
In the beginning of a relationship it's full of "I love you's"and "You're the best". You know why? Because you're under the drug called “Oxytocin”. And then some months later reality sets in and you learn the real person you're dating, and they start irritating you.
So, how do you save a bad relationship? Three ways.
Step number one: Actually listen to the person.
Allow them to talk, even if it's 20 or 25 minutes, without interrupting, without getting your point across, without having to say something. Allow them to talk and listen to them, like you did before, with no judgment.
Step number two: Clear a space in your heart.
Try to remember all the things you loved about them in the beginning. This is very important. There is a reason that the two of you got together. There were qualities about this person that made you commit to exploring a deeper relationship. Take some time to pull back and clear your heart of the anger and negativity. Then see why you loved this person in the first place.
Step three: Ask yourself, "Do I love the person that's in front of me?"
That's who that person really is. You're no longer under the influence of the first six months of La-la-la and you're now seeing who the real person is. Do you love that person? Do you honour that person? Do you respect that person? Do you want to love that person? Do you want to do things for that person? Do you want to be with that person?
Stop busting each other's balls when you're in a relationship and start seeing whether you can live with each other's balls.