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Saturday, February 11, 2012

You Can Overcome Your Residual Feelings

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t's over, but something is still nagging at you. The two of you decided to go your separate ways because things just weren't working out. Neither one of you could think of any good reason to continue the relationship. However, now that you're apart, you still think about him/her; you continue to wonder what he/she is doing throughout his/her day; you are still visiting his/her Facebook page in order to see what's going on in his/her life (his/her status, e.g. single, in a relationship, married); or you are missing having him/her under the same roof with you. The break-up may have been ugly and you thought as soon as you were apart, you would only be entertaining thoughts of "good riddance." You believed that once you had your freedom, you would celebrate no longer having to answer to him/her; or no longer having to deal with every conversation ending in an argument.
But now you're experiencing feelings that are confusing to you. You think you must be crazy because all you could think of before was bringing closure to the relationship. You couldn't wait until it was over. However, now you feel as though you can't talk to anybody about these conflicting feelings because they will definitely think you're crazy. Wasn't it just recently they had to listen to you go on and on about how unhappy you were in the relationship? Didn't they agree with you that the other party wasn't right for you, didn't deserve you, or could possibly be the worst thing that ever happened to you? Didn't they encourage you to bring this disastrous relationship to an end? So how do you tell them that you're now having lingering feelings and expect them to empathize with you? How do you explain that sometimes you actually miss the "worst thing that ever happened to you"? You are miserable because you are feeling guilty about these conflicting feelings. You can't let this secret get out because something has to be wrong with you (according to you). You're certain everyone will think less of you if you mention the word "miss" in the same sentence with the person whom you ended the relationship. Well, there is an explanation and you can stop feeling as if you're crazy. By the way, you have plenty of company, and just like you, they're not about to tell anybody about their struggles with residual feelings.
A relationship (good or bad) over time becomes a part of us. What becomes a part of us isn't always easy to discard at the exact moment we declare that it's over. Do not punish yourself because of conflicting feelings you may be experiencing. We can't always help how we feel. But what we do have control over in most situations is what we do - the action that we take. So just because you struggle with feelings of missing the other individual, don't beat yourself up. However, it does not mean you are supposed to call him/her up and make arrangements to get together. Those who give into these feelings will tell you that as soon as the encounter is over, they are left with feelings of regret, emptiness, or disappointment that they gave into the urge to reunite with Mr./Ms. Wrong if only for a moment. You may miss him/her because he/she was a part of your life for whatever length of time the two of you were together. There was some interaction and as a result of that interaction certain bonds were formed. A connection, link, union, attachment of some sort existed and that is what you are missing. So when these feelings of missing him/her are aroused, don't be hasty and act upon them. Believe it or not, your inaction is not going to kill you. If you still struggle with a sexual attraction to him/her, remember that sex is not interchangeable with love. So if you act upon the sexual attraction, once the act is over, you will still be left with the feelings, memories, and incidences that led to the break-up in the first place. You're going to be overwhelmed with feeling disappointed in yourself wondering how you could put yourself in such a position with the same man/woman with whom you used to argue ferociously; the same man/woman you accused of being the worst thing that ever happened to you; the same man/woman you couldn't wait to remove from your life. At some point, the sex will not be fulfilling because sex is not necessarily love-making. Sex can occur without an ounce of feeling. It can be an act alone without any emotions, care, or consideration attached thereto. So if you become confused and believe that one more tryst with him/her will make you feel better, fix the problems that were responsible for the break-up, or satisfy your feelings of longing and/or loneliness, you had better be prepared for fleeting satisfaction. You cannot get mad with him/her because you made a decision wherein you wound up having sex when you were expecting loving-making. It is up to you to be clear about what you are expecting as a result of your decision. If you went along just for the sake of sexual pleasure, that's probably what you're going to get - no more. If you are anticipating love-making that will result in reconciliation, you need to be clear so as to give the other party the opportunity to make the same choices that you want available to you. If you don't believe his/her reasoning, then stay away until you believe one another. We must be willing to be held accountable for whatever our decisions are. It makes whatever the struggle is much easier when you're honest with self.
Here is how you handle the struggle with residual feelings. Acknowledge them, but do not give credence (authority, weight, confidence) to them. Focus on the word "residual". It means remaining, left over, etc. and you deserve much better than that. When you decided that it was time to move on; you wanted to live again and not merely co-exist with each other; you wanted to be in love with him/her and be loved by him/her, it was because you were ready to be whole, you wanted a new start, and a chance at a substantive, fulfilling, enjoyable, and passionate relationship. So when the residual feelings creep in and start to make you uneasy, remember what they are -- leftovers, remnants, scraps, etc. With this knowledge, the struggle should be getting easier. In time, there won't be any struggle. Your patience, perseverance and refusal to act upon residual feelings are the reasons why you will prevail.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Hearing Each Other Well Could be Powerful

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 would like to make the statement that each and every one of us, has within us a very deep and powerful need to be heard.
The definitions for "heard" given by “dictionary” include; "to learn by hearing" and "to listen attentively" and I think this about sums it up. We as human beings have the need to share our lives with one another and with that, the need for someone who wants to share our lives, who wants to learn more about who we are by listening attentively to us...
Dr Gary Smalley mentions in his book: "Die Geheim van Suksesvolle Verhoudings", we have been created to stand in relationships with other people - we were made for relationships. So why are so many relationships, so completely messed up? Why is it that two people just can't seem to get to a place where both feel safe and loved and where communication is a healthy and effective interaction between them? My opinion - maybe it has to do with the fact that we very seldom feel heard...the fact that, for most of us, to truly hear our partner is a very difficult task indeed.
You might be thinking to yourself - there is very little wrong with my hearing, I can hear him/her just fine and still we are in a bad spot! In response; I would like to ask - how many times have you said to your partner - you're not hearing me/ you aren't listening! How many times have you felt that what you are saying is totally missed by you better half? That he/she focuses on one or two words/phrases in what you've said and totally misses your see? It’s not about; can you hear one another, it's about how you listen and what you're focus is on when listening to one another...
The reason why we so totally miss what our partners are trying to communicate; is
1.Because we believe that understanding the actual words out of his/her mouth is all that's important.
Let's look at what dictionary has to say about the word attentive:
"Giving care/attention; expressing affectionate interest through close observation and gallant gestures; marked by or offering of devoted attention to the pleasure or comfort of others..."
I guarantee that if you were to sit closer and pay devoted attention with "comfort" or "pleasure" as your goal when listening to your partner - chances are, you'll hear way more than just the actual words exiting his/her mouth. If we have, as our mission - comfort and/or pleasure as a contribution to give to the person we love, we'll focus on the meaning of his/her words. We'll focus on the emotions underlying the phrases; we'll search for the hidden, maybe unexpressed meaning behind what is being said.
In order to truly comfort someone, we need to acknowledge the pain, the hurt, the frustration that they are experiencing. In order to be a pleasure to talk to, we need to engage in the conversation, we need to share the joy or the excitement...all of which is very hard to do if you are only focusing on words alone.
2.Because the way in which he/she starts the communication is perceived as threatening and attacking.
It is human nature to protect oneself from an onslaught. So if you're partner starts a conversation by attacking you verbally, automatically you take on a defensive stance with regards to what is being said. You shut closed like a book, and all you focus on is finding a flaw in the attacker's arsenal, finding an easy and effective way in which to launch a brutal attack of your own.
Go ahead - give some thought to the last fight that you had with your much listening took much understanding...vs how much hurt was being flung back and forth, how many accusations were flying around. Be honest - you started arguing about one thing and in the end the issue that started the fight is buried somewhere underneath all the old cows that were dug up during the battle.
You started arguing about what colour the TV actually was that you were watching when the incident occurred, who was actually there, what someone else's response actually resulted in " you-never-get-any-thing-right" and the fight ends up in an all-out, all-encompassing war and the more you can list the other person's faults.
But as in all wars, the casualties are plenty. You walk away with so much hurt and regret, this battle is just another add-on to the pile that is forming between the two of you, just another layer of bricks on top of the all-to-high wall forming between the two of you...
If this describes your relationship - if you feel that you are not being heard by your partner; that your conversations too often turn into all-out wars. I suggest that you make an effort YOURSELF, to take this article to heart. Read it again and decide on where you can start BEING THE DIFFERENCE that you want in your life. Take your partner out to dinner and share your concerns in a non-threatening manner - do all you can do to not evoke a defensive reaction.
Make a choice, together to start fresh and to start listening with the intent of actually hearing each other.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Unification Church mass wedding ceremony

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Some of the 20,000 brides and grooms taking part in the Unification Church mass wedding ceremony at Sun Moon University, in Asan, South Korea some years back

Your Action Plan to Meet Mr. Right

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re you ready to meet a man? Are you ready to meet the man? Good. Here's an action plan you can put to work immediately.
Write down the qualities you desire in the kind of person you'll spend the rest of your life with (remember; there are no perfect men, but there is a perfect man for you. Describe him). By doing this, you click your reticular activating system, a brain process that helps you achieve goals, into high gear.
Your reticular activating system also helps you notice things you want when they show up (i.e., a potential Mr. Right). Ever research a particular car model, and then all of a sudden see that model everywhere you go? That's your reticular activating system at work.
So, let's say the following qualities are those you desire in a man:
Loyal! Loving! Reliable! Fun!
If you're familiar with the Law of Attraction, you know that like attracts like. It's important that you possess (or develop) the qualities you want in a man in yourself. For instance, if you want a faithful man but have the habit of cheating on your ex-lover/s, you may harbour subconscious feelings of guilt and unworthiness, which will prevent you from attracting the kind of man who'll make you truly happy.
You must become the person you want to fall in love with. Not only is it highly attractive, you'll find that as you progress, your self-esteem will soar. You'll treat yourself better. Men will notice. And then watch out; you'll find yourself attracting better - and being attracted to - much, much better men.
Step Two: To further boost your confidence, write down a list of your recent accomplishments. Include all the highlights of the past year (a special vacation, finishing a certain project, etc.) Read the list. Close your eyes. Bring to mind the happy feelings you experienced at the time. Repeat whenever you're tempted to think "oh, what's the use?" You've accomplished so much already. You have what it takes to meet a special man.
Step Three: Get out of the house. Look your best. Pull back your shoulders. Present yourself to the world -as Kathryn Hepburn did - like a bouquet of flowers. Cease limiting attempts to meet men to singles' conferences and Internet sites. You can meet a man while talking a walk or reading a menu.
Be open to possibilities.
Know what you want. Know what you have to offer. And do put your best self forward, always, even if you're just dashing out to see your dentist.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Look Out For These Three Important Signs A Single Guy Is Giving You?

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re you sick and tired of being single? Did you know there might be plenty of men who are interested in you? The problem is you might be missing all the signs he is sending you. If you know these signs you can tell if that guy not only likes you but loves you.
The biggest problem with men is they don't really know how to express their feelings with words. So as women we need to be able to decode their feelings in other ways. The easiest way to do this is by watching their movements a little closer. I don't figure you will have any objections to that, will you?
He Notices More Than Your Chest
If a guy is truly interested in you, you will notice that he notices more than your looks. At this point he tends to notice your intelligence, humour and other good qualities. He begins to realize that there is a lot more to you than just your looks and body. For the first time his eyes may reach above your breasts which is a good thing if you are looking for a relationship.
You Get That Winning Smile All The Time
You have always loved his smile, but now it just may hold some hidden meanings. Now when he smiles at you his eyes and whole face light up.
You give him happiness just by being in the same room as he is. So be sure to keep an eye out for those pearly whites at the quietest of times. This is one of those sure signs that you have captured his attention and heart.
He Changes His Looks
We all want to look our best at all the time. But have you noticed he is taking extra care in his appearance? This is especially true if you seem to notice he is trying to do it in hopes of getting your attention. He wants you to notice him at his very best and hopes to be rewarded for it.
So those are just a few of the ways to tell if a man has a thing going for you. So have you noticed any of these sure signs with the man of your dreams? Just keep your eyes open for these subtle hints that special man just might be dropping for you.
As you can see trying to figure out a man isn't that hard once you know the signs to look for. You can take your love life by the horns and fully be in charge of your destiny.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Beyonce And Jay-z

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Signs He Wants to Pursue a Committed Relationship With You

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eed to know whether he's serious or you're just wasting your time? Here are 5 signs he wants to pursue a committed relationship with you that can help decide what your next step should be...
Sign #1: He is happy to volunteer information about himself to you.
A man keen to pursue a committed relationship with you is happy to tell you all about himself. He won't hide things from you - especially when you ask. He won't kick up a fuss and accuse you of being controlling when you casually ask him who he's meeting, where he's going, what he's doing, etc. He feels happy that you take an interest in his life, and is eager to share even more of it with you.
Sign #2: He looks at you tenderly when he says "I love you".
A man who feels strongly about you and desires to marry you can't keep his eyes off you. He desperately wants you to know how much he loves you... which will exude from his eyes. He gives you his full attention when he says "I love you" - so you never have to wonder if he's telling the truth or not. Another good sign that indicates he's serious is if he declares his love before you do. Use your female intuition to tell whether he's sincere. If you don't feel convinced, listen to your intuition and proceed with caution.
Sign #3: He has very little interest in other women.
When a man truly loves you, it doesn't matter how attractive other women are... he will only be interested in spending time with you. You will know how keen he is in pursuing a committed relationship with you because he keeps making up reasons to spend more time with you. If you notice that he's been spending so much time with you (for more than six months) that he can't be dating anyone else, it's a strong signal that having a long-term relationship with you has crossed his mind.
Sign #4: He specifically tells you that he wants to pursue a committed relationship with you.
If he suggests the two of you be an exclusive couple, and talks about what exclusivity means to him, he clearly wants to pursue a committed relationship with you. If he doesn't bring it up, it means he hasn't made up his mind about you yet. In this case, you can either choose to be patient and wait, or move on. With time he will naturally bring up the topic if he's mad about you.
Sign #5: He brings you to meet the people he loves and respects - and they've heard about you before.
If a man talks about you to the people he loves and respects, it means he can't stop thinking about you. When he can't stop thinking about you, he will eventually realize whether he hates the idea of you seeing other men or not. If he wants to pursue a committed relationship with you, he will act quickly and ask you to be his partner or wife. A guy who's serious about you won't keep you guessing about his intentions. You're too precious for him to lose.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Mercy Johnson and Prince Okojie

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The Effect Social Media May Have on Your Relationship

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oesn't seem that all too often you read in the headlines about supposedly private, explicit photographs of some public personality being leaked? All too often, information posted on social media for private consumption becomes exposed to the entire world.
These occurrences are indicative of the harm social media can cause to your real-world relationships. The best way to avoid this harm is by acting as if every post, picture, text, tweet or message you send online is scrawled across a billboard with your name on it!
Amazingly, many people still lull themselves into a false sense of security when they deal with others on the internet. Because of this, folks tend to behave in ways they would never even dream of in real life.
There are many examples of risky behaviour people engage in online which could ruin their relationships:
Posting sexually explicit material on social media platforms. Information posted online stays online. This type of material may come back to haunt you possibly even years down the road.

Flirting and conducting online affairs. How often have you heard of someone's spouse finding evidence of infidelity by checking their social media profiles? It happens all too often, and has the same affect on the relationship as if the person were literally caught in the act of being unfaithful.

Posting hateful, even slanderous rants about current or former lovers. Again, posts remain online indefinitely. Even if you think you have deleted information, there is no 100% guarantee that information is not stored or copied elsewhere. Think about this before hitting the "post" button.

Allowing time spent on social media sites to take away from quality time spent with your partner. With the explosion of web enabled devices such as smart phones, laptops, and tablet computers, you can be connected to the internet almost anywhere, anytime. The temptation to constantly remain "plugged-in" has become a problem for many, because they neglect their real-world relationships.
Finally, being online does not guarantee you anonymity or privacy. If you are not comfortable with your partner or spouse reading whatever you post, then don't! Remember, what's posted online, stays online.
Your intimate relationship is the most valuable asset you have. Don't allow the virtual world to damage your real-world life. Choose wisely.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

The oldest couple, Herbert and Zelmyra Fisher

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The oldest living married couple as at February 2009 according to Guinness World Records. 84 solid years of marriage! Ask them their secret!                         

Great Ways to Know If His Love for You Is True or Not

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oo many hearts are broken on account of infidelity. If you don't want to find yourself with a broken heart later on and need to find out if he really cares for you, then put your guy to the test. Here are some wonderful ways in which you can test him and see if he is really in love with you.
Speak of your plans for the future 
One way you can know if he truly cares for you is by his reaction when you talk about the future. If he really loves you he will want to talk about commitment and the topic of marriage will not frighten him away! He will willingly discuss the future and enjoy talking about kids, the house etc.
Pretend that you are going out of town 
If you want to know if he is faithful and true to you, pretend that you have to leave town for a couple of days. Come back unexpectedly and check on what he is up to! If you find him at home missing you dreadfully you know that he loves you with all his heart. On the other hand if he is painting the town red with your best friend - he does not!
Listen to what his true friends say about him 
If his friends keep telling you that he is crazy about you and that all he does is talk about you in a positive manner, it can prove that he really loves you and can think of nobody else. On the other hand, if you keep hearing that he runs you down and criticizes you behind your back, then you should confront him and decide if he truly loves you or not.
Does he put you first? 
One of the most common tests that will prove if he loves you or not is to check and see if you really come first in his life. If he always gives you priority over his family and friends and makes you feel special and cared for, then he adores you. If his friends can whisk him away from you within moments, then he does not really care about you.
Is he willing to take you home? 
Sometimes if a man is just using a woman and does not really care for her then he is guilty inside and tries to hide her away! He will not take her home to meet his parents and his near and dear friends will never get to meet her. But if he wants to take you home and introduce you to his friends it shows that he is proud to be your guy and loves you.
How selfish is he? 
If you find that your guy is very selfish and never bothers to give you anything in return, then he does not love you. If he acts mean and is insensitive to your moods and feelings then it proves that his feelings for you are just superficial.
Pretend to withdraw 
If you want to test your guy, just pretend that you are losing interest in him. Stop meeting him and look bored. If he becomes very agitated, anxious and worried about the situation and does his best to make you happy and contented with him, it shows that he really cares and does not want to lose you.