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Saturday, March 17, 2012

Restoring Trust in Your Marriage

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nce trust in a relationship has been broken, it's really difficult to restore. However, trust can slowly be rebuilt in a relationship, as long as you follow the advice below. It's important to know that rebuilding trust really means starting over starting small. Proving that you can be trusted again will take a long time, and requires patience, understanding, and consideration.
The first step in rebuilding trust in a relationship is to approach your partner and admit to all you did wrong. Whether you cheated on him or her, were caught lying, or any other deception, the first step to rebuilding trust is to acknowledge the pain that's been caused. You can't move forward without completing this step.
Afterwards, a lot of patience is necessary. Your partner will heal at his or her own pace, and the worst thing you can do is to rush it. It will definitely take a long time, and while she or he is healing, it's important that you keep all your promises, even the small ones (like being home in time for dinner, etc.). Even small transgressions will seem really big during this part of the healing process, so it's important to do your best and do everything you promise. It's also important to remember that your partner may be suspicious all the time, especially at first. Don't get upset - it's understandable and it will get better as time goes on.
You can also demonstrate that you are trustworthy by opening up to your spouse - try to be more open about your life and your moment to moment activities. It may help to show past text messages, emails, and other items that prove you have nothing to hide. You're going to have to answer a lot of questions in order to move forward - be prepared and try to be as open as possible.
Remember that your partner must also be willing to move forward and to get past this, or at least make an honest attempt to do that. Don't confuse forgiveness with forgetting, but at least the effort to move on must be present. Remember - this is like starting from the beginning again for both of you - be extra sensitive to that.
Once you get to the point where you can go out again, try to plan a nice, romantic evening like you had when you first started dating. Share a new experience together - this is one of the best ways for both of you to have fun and move on.

Friday, March 16, 2012

End Your Frustration by Using These Tips

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Are you in a situation where you have invested a lot of time and effort in your relationship but you can clearly see that you man is not ready for commitment? Does it seem like all the time you have spent with him has gotten you nowhere?
Do you feel that your relationship is still at stage one and you are only wishing and hoping that someday he will change his mind about you? If you have gone through the trials and tribulations of a relationship where your man is not ready to commit, then here are the tips you need to follow...
• Start setting guidelines right away...
If you keep on doing what you have always done then there is absolutely no way that you will get a different result in your relationship. If you want things to change then you have to start setting guidelines right away.
Stop being someone who is his second choice and make it absolutely clear to him what you expect of him.
• Give him a taste of what life would be like without you...
If you have done everything there is to do to convince him to commit to you then it's about time that you give him a little taste of what it's like to live without you. It's time that you take two steps back and avoid him momentarily.
A great way to do this is to let him know that you need a break from the relationship since he is not able to make up his mind about you. One of two things will happen during this phase - either he will recognise your value and will want to commit to you or he will let you move on. Either way you will finally get the answer you were looking for.
• Give him a reasonable amount of time and let him know that you plan to end things...
Another good way to get him to make up his mind about you is to let him know that he can have his space and make up his mind about you. Again, this will do one of two things - either he will fear that he might lose you to some of the guy and will be ready to commit to you or he will completely let you go and you will be in a position to finally move on with your life.
There is no point in waiting around for someone who will never commit to you. You will find more peace with someone who is ready to give you the type of commitment you seek.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

You May be Guilty of Pushing Your Partner Away?

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f you feel you are not getting the love you want in your relationship, it is possible that you are pushing your partner away. Often, when we feel hurt, disappointed and upset, our choices and behaviour rather than helping us get our needs met, actually push us further away from the very things we need and want. For example consider the husband or wife who is hurt and disappointed because their partner comes home late. They had been hoping to spend time with their partner and feel neglected and hurt that their partner was not there, so they are angry and punishing when their partner returns, giving them the cold shoulder for the evening or longer. What they crave and need is closeness with their partner, however shutting their partner out makes that closeness impossible and creates the opposite of what they need, more distance between them.
Take a few moments to consider whether you are building connections with your partner or pushing them away. Here are some attitudes and behaviours that may be pushing your partner away:
Pretending that you are fine, when you obviously are not;
Refusing to tell or show your partner that you love him/her;
Not asking for what you want;
Not making time with your partner a priority;
Brushing off or ignoring compliments from your partner;
Stopping yourself from reaching out in loving ways toward your partner;
Not sharing the real you with your partner;
Wondering what your partner really wants when they behave lovingly.
If you recognize yourself having or doing one or more of these distancing attitudes or behaviours, you have the opportunity to change course. Awareness that you may be pushing your partner away, gives you an opportunity to begin moving toward, rather than away from your partner. Choosing to move toward your partner increases the chances that you will get your needs met.
Ways to allow your partner into your life:
Be open and honest about your feelings;
Say I love you often;
Frequently demonstrate your love for your partner;
Ask for what you want and need;
Make spending time together a top priority;
Graciously accept compliments from your partner (smile, say thank you and allow it to sink in);
Choose to be loving, especially when you least feel like it;
Talk and share with your partner;
Listen to your partner;
Expect and look for positive motives when your partner loves.
If you want to feel truly loved in your relationship there are steps that you can take to accomplish this. The worst thing that you can do is work hard to prove that your partner does not love you. Instead, begin by considering if you truly love and accept yourself. If the answer is no, then this is the place to start. The more you love and accept yourself, the easier it is to feel love from your partner. Next choose to stop pushing your partner away and allow them into your life.
When we stop being vulnerable in our relationship, we may be protecting ourselves from hurt, but we are also shutting the love that we desperately want and need out of our life. Fortify yourself instead by loving yourself so much that you are willing and able to choose to be vulnerable, knowing that you may get hurt. But also knowing that choosing to love is worth that possibility and that even if you do get hurt at your core you will always love you and you be fine.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

The Three Stages of Love

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his is a quick reminder about the stages through which a relationship travels. Love grows and changes. The excitement that brings couples together in the first place is very different from the love that emerges fifteen or fifty years later. Love relationships go through three predictable stages. All are important and none can be avoided if love is to flourish.
Stage 1: Romantic Love
Love relationships usually begin with a strong physical and emotional attraction that produces a somewhat altered state of consciousness. Your brain is saturated with chemicals called endorphins, creating the sensations of intense pleasure that accompany infatuation. The exhilaration and sense of well-being are similar to feelings produced by vigorous exercise or eating something extremely pleasurable, like chocolate.
In this highly charged emotional state, you are apt to project images, expectations, and ideals of the perfect mate onto your partner. These projections often have little to do with who your partner really is, but it's hard to tell because both of you are on your best behaviour. Reeling with romance and passion, you and your partner are highly responsive to each other. It is not until a little further down the path that you find out what a person is really like.
Stage 2: Power Struggle
As infatuation and romantic love subside, healthy relationships go through a period of adjustment with continuing power struggles. It is common during this stage, for each partner to try to mold the other into the ideal mate. As part of this process many couples bicker and fight. Some launch a "cold war" and start avoiding sensitive areas of conflict. Some couples use guilt and blame to try to control each other in an effort to recapture feelings associated with the earliest stage of their relationship. Both long for that period of infatuation when being together was new and exciting and the partner was attentive. Learning to resolve conflict at this stage helps your relationship mature. The challenge is to discover what can be changed in the relationship and what must be accepted.
It is never too late to learn the skills and to take the risks to effectively move through the power-struggle stage in order to achieve a stronger more satisfying relationship. It requires honesty with self, the willingness to communicate with the partner, and letting go of control to experience what needs to surface. This includes facing your fears and allowing all your feelings to be explored. There are some definite things a couple can do to speed up the process ¾ gather information from books, take courses like this one, and go to counselling. Marriage and family therapists offer helpful information and objectivity when a couple is at an impasse.
Stage 3: Unconditional Acceptance
In its third stage, a healthy relationship moves beyond regular power struggles and control issues to unconditional love and acceptance. However, during the transition from stage two to stage three, partners must still resolve issues in the relationship, taking risks to make positive change wherever possible and accepting those conditions that cannot be changed. Even in stage three, it is healthy to discuss anything that upsets you. Differences are approached positively, not seen as things to brush over, hide, or suppress. Tolerance and forgiveness are part of the equation, because there are always two different individuals with points of view, interests, desires, goals, and rates of growth.
At this stage, each person is highly aware of various traits in the other. Some you like and others you dislike, but you learn to accept the ones that cannot be changed. This is a time when expectations are readjusted and both of you become more realistic. Part of the process involves grieving the loss of expectations that cannot be met, and forgiving your partner for not conforming to your ideals. Making peace with yourself over the loss of your idealistic fantasies can take years - it really depends on your level of self-awareness, your willingness to let go of control, and the degree to which you are able to tune into the relationship. This third stage, acceptance, also includes enjoying the partnership and supporting each other on the journey of life.
On the path to mature love, these three stages blend into one another. One does not stop and another begins. In fact occasionally, they all three take place simultaneously. For example, you can still create romance in the second and third stages. Remember the draw of the first stage, where there was the element of surprise and the unknown? To create some romance, change your routine and bring in the element of surprise and unpredictability. You might create a date night once a week, where you go out and do fun things together. Use your imagination. Likewise, during the third stage it is still important to bring up issues that get in the way of experiencing a good relationship. Communication is important in all stages, as is working on your own issues and building awareness.
Knowing these three stages helps people be realistic about relationships. Rather than giving up during the tough times of the second stage, it is helpful to know it is normal and there are things you can do to make the way easier. Good relationships take time, awareness, risking, and good communication skills, to name a few, and require lots of practice. Each relationship is unique and incomparable.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Embrace Love, Reject Hate!

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arkness doesn't have existence. You cannot configure darkness and bring it into life. You cannot quantify darkness. It is the mere nonexistence of light. When the sun sets, darkness shows up. When the sun rises, darkness retreats! The moment light enters darkness disappears. Similarly, hate is the nonexistence of love. Both hate and love cannot coexist as light and darkness cannot.
Once light is on, darkness cannot just show up and replace it without some effort like switching off the current. Likewise, once love wipes out hate, it is hard for hate to reoccupy its place in our life. However, we cannot just wear or download love. It has an attached price we should pay. It requires us to understand the truth behind love and its benefits, and make efforts to embrace love and reject hate.
Love is a universal language though the love we express towards our lovers differs from the love we display for friends, and colleagues. Though love isn't a purely emotional attribute, it invokes emotion once we are in love.
Love can be expressed in many forms. Dr. Chapman proposed five love languages. These include words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Of course, not all love signs are observable. We may express our love through praying for the persons we love, wishing them well, and thinking about them, and their well-being, and more.
Nevertheless, we cannot go to school or take trainings to love. Love is a choice. It is beyond a feeling. The latter changes with situations, true love, once engraved within us, it remains there forever regardless of changes around us.
We love someone doesn't mean we don't point out his/her weaknesses or correct when he/she is mistaken. We have seen in our history leaders who loved but at the same time defended their values.
Jesus came to die for mankind. There is no love beyond dying for another. While He was on the cross, He prayed and forgave His enemies. However, before His crucifixion, He criticized the Pharisees because of their hypocrisy. He even drove out traders from the Temple. Those rights movement leaders like Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. stood for justice and equality but they did that without hatred.
Considering the fruits of love, and the attached benefits that come with it, it is better to love than hate. With the former come peace, joy, contentment, and greater self-worth. With hate come sicknesses, crimes, self-condemnation, internal chaos, and more. Therefore, switching from hate to love is figuratively equivalent to switching your living room light on. The moment the light is on; we see clearly, no guesses, confusion, stumbling, and so on. Let's embrace love, celebrate it. Let's wave its flag, and uphold it high in our life, relationship, business, marketplace and wherever.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Save Your Marriage

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s your marriage heading down the wrong path and if you don't see some changes you fear that you might not be able to save your marriage? Marriage problems are common but why do some couples overcome them while others get crushed emotionally and spiritually and end up divorced?
In my humble opinion there are two basic reasons why some couples fail to overcome their marital issues. First, they quite honestly don't know how to resolve their differences. The second reason is because one or both of the individuals are selfish and unwilling to put aside their desires for the good of the marriage.
I don't know if you received training before you got married. Couples often struggled just to keep a little joy, peace, patience, kindness and love in the house. Below are some tips that I hope you find useful to get you through this difficult period.
Tips That Can Save Your Marriage
1. Forgive - You have to become a real forgiving spouse and not a pretend to forgive your spouse. By this I mean that you need to make sure when you say you have forgiven, that your actions back up your words. If you agree to forgive your partner, you no longer bring up the issue or hold it over your spouse’s head.
2. Patience - If you want to really save your marriage I suggest that you begin to show some patience with your spouse and not react to every little thing. The best thing that you can do is take some time before you respond.
3. Goodness - If you want to keep your marriage together then you need to be good to your spouse, despite how you feel. Make sure you aren't led by your feelings but rather continue to do what is right and not just what feels right.
4. Guard Your Tongue - Not much advice here except that you must remember that your words have the power to build up your marriage or tear it down.
5. Learn How To Apologize - We all make mistakes and find ourselves in the position of having to apologize. A sincere apology is one where you actually know and say why you are sorry. Never apologize before you have given thought to what you did wrong and why you are apologizing. Don't patronize your spouse and just say that you are sorry to make things better. Apologise when you are wrong and back it up with actions that you are really sorry.
6. Compromise - If you want to make your marriage work then it's important that you try to meet your spouse halfway and keep an open mind and be flexible.
7. Self Control - Dealing with a frustrating marriage situation can cause you to lose it at times and instead of taking steps forward you end of hurting your marriage. Instead of blowing up take a step back and deal with matters when you are in control.
8. Stay Intimate - Ah, one of the most important but also more complicated matters of saving your marriage. Just because you are having marriage problems, it doesn't give you a permission slip to no longer be intimate with your spouse. If you don't keep at least a little spark the fire will burn out and it leaves you both vulnerable to the affections of others.
9. Love Unconditionally - I know this is easier said than done but that is what love is. Please make it up in your mind that you will love your spouse, despite what is going on. It doesn't mean that you approve of how you are being treated or feel but rather, you make up in your mind that your love will not be predicated on your spouse's actions.
So how can you save your marriage when you are more interested than your spouse in fixing your marriage? Well, it's not easy but it is possible. Think of it this way. If you implement some or all of the tips noted above, I can't imagine that your chances of saving or improving your marriage won't improve.
I hope this has given you some help and hope for turning your marriage around. It breaks my heart to see couples hurting and fighting against each other instead of working together to build a loving relationship. Hang in there and fight for the marriage you so desire.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Sex-Starved Marriage?

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f you are not happy with your sex life in your marriage you are certainly not alone. It has been estimated that nearly a third of marriages are 'sexless', meaning the couple has sex fewer than ten times a year. When you consider the number of couples who also experience low libido or lack of interest in sex at some time in their relationship, it would be easy to conclude that there aren't many sexually satisfied couples out there. And your conclusion would probably be correct.
Why is the case? Of course it is not what the couple intends when they get married. Usually couples have a healthy sex life early in their relationship (although perhaps only briefly). Long term relationships - and certainly marriages - are entered into with the expectation that they will be happy for the rest of their lives. But for most couples, at some point, the sexual attraction and activity begins to wane. Pretty soon sex becomes low on the list of priorities in a marriage. Most people point to other factors in reducing their sex life. They may cite pressures such as the arrival of children on the scene, financial pressures, work and career and even friends and family. Often this means there simply isn't the time for sex or one or other of the couple is too tired. Hormones are often blamed as well.
The good news is that there is something you can do about it. We are not talking about having an affair here, although many desperate people do that. It is entirely possible to re-ignite the sexual passion in your relationship; it is simply a question to doing the right things.
A clue to what the right things might be is to be found by looking back to the early days of your relationship, when things were exciting sexually. What were you doing then to create the passion and excitement? Of these things, what are you not doing now? You may say that your partner is not doing these things either any more, but the key here is to take responsibility for your behaviour and see what you can do to enhance things. By doing that - and by not laying any blame on your partner - you will find that your partner will respond to you in a more positive way.
Some of the things that couples do early in their relationship that they typically stop doing as time goes on include:
1) Putting your relationship first. Nothing has more impact on your happiness than your relationship so you need to put it as your highest priority. This means spending time with your partner and considering them in every action you take in your life. When your partner knows they are at the center of your universe once again they are going to feel much more inclined to be sexual with you.
2) Looking attractive for your partner. Have you stopped paying so much attention to your appearance and your body? Well it's time to start imagining you are dating again and do the things you would do to attract someone new. Your makeup, clothes and personal grooming - start giving them some proper attention, If you need to, lose some weight and tone up your muscles. Many people seem to have the attitude that once they have found their partner they can give up on their appearance. The opposite is true; wouldn't you want to appear more pleasingly attractive to the one you love than to a stranger.
These are just two of the things you can do to make yourself more attractive to your spouse or partner. Once you start putting this sort of effort in, you might be surprised at the effect it has on your sex life with them.

Wedding at Macdonald Hill Valley Hotel on Sunday the 4th of March

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ho Are They?